A Walk to Remember

All I wanted to do today was go on a walk.  I have been planning in it my mind for several days.  Even thinking of the things I would say about said walk on this blog.  But it didn't happen.  After a long tiring day, and a husband having to work late; it just wasn't worth the effort to take all the kids by myself.  I knew it wouldn't be what I wanted it to be.

So why all the fuss about a walk?

Because I spent almost 25 years walking with my dad, and today marked the 6th year that I have walked without him.

I remember the first walk I took without him, Oct. 18th, 2005.  It was late at night with Todd, and I blubbered the entire time.  Trying to process life without my dad.  And even now when I walk on the fallen leaves, their crunch can remind me of that night.  Looking down at the ground at all the dead leaves.  (And don't even get me started on all the constant reminders of death at Halloween.  I absolutely HATE Halloween!)  Anyways...

Every October 18th I seem to evaluate my life, my family, my heart ache.  Each year it comes back a little more on this day.  But each year the burden seems more bearable.  While it is not the life I thought I would have, it is still a good life.  Still, I can't help but wonder how different things would be if he were still here.  I know he would be great with my girls.  He always had a soft spot in his heart for little girls.  (Couldn't have anything to do with the two adorable girls he raised...)  And even though he never spoke of wanting a son, he sure was excited to get one when I married Todd.  Suddenly there was a lot more talk about football that their ever was before.  So I like to imagine what it would be like to see him playing with Ty.  Well, maybe "like" is the wrong word since it usually upsets me.  However, I still tend to let my wander in that direction at times.

This year I can't help but notice that my life is very similar to how it was the year he died.  I am tired and nauseated from early pregnancy, and seem to be more emotional about the day than I have the last couple years.  A new ache comes with each new child that will never know their grandpa.

But tomorrow will be Oct. 19th, and somehow that gives me more permission to be ok.  So until next year, I will go on pretending to be excited to take my kids trick or treating; and I will continue to be more thankful for the years with my dad than I am sad for the years without him.